Hi friends. It's golf SZN in case you were unaware. Hopefully the golf gods have been great to you so far. This is something I've been sitting on for awhile and I finally decided to let it out. I love playing golf but after playing so many rounds, the lineup of individuals you meet on a course becomes like clockwork. Foolproof. Here's a closer look at the five people you are absolutely certain to cross paths with during your Saturday morning 18:
The Pro Shop Guy
Take it from me, a good or bad pro shop experience can set the tone for the rest of your round (and even your day). He's either an awesome dude or he's an asshole. No in between. Sometimes it's the club pro, sometimes it's the owner. You never really know who you're going to get.
The pro shop guy is the gatekeeper. The guy on the front lines you have to get through before you're off and running. He's behind the desk, across from a very small and very overpriced selection of golf clubs and off brand apparel. And the first thing you hear when you enter the shop: "do you have a tee time?"
Now there's one of two things that happens when you answer this question. If the answer is yes, the guy will then tell you they're running about a half hour behind and "there's really nothing we can do." But if your answer is no....oh sweet Jesus if your answer is no....you might as well be thrown in jail. No tee time? Are you freaking kidding me man? How could you be so stupid? Haven't you golfed on the weekend ever in your entire life? He then tells you he can't get you out for another 5 hours. At that point you just pack it up and go home because the pro shop guy ripped any desire you had to play golf that day right out of your system. Please try again.
Or he could be a great guy and fit you into a time slot. Like I said though, absolute crap shoot.
The Starter
Okay you've made it out of the pro shop and you're walking/riding toward the first tee. Next man up: the starter.
Always wearing a red shirt. Just lounging in his special golf hut or cart with a silly looking "STARTER" flag attached to it. Half the time he's nowhere near the tee either. You have to wait around for him to show up or you're going on an adventure to find him.
You track him down and give him the receipt. He proceeds to passive aggressively judge you. Oh you guys have a foursome? Don't you dare fall behind. Oh you're playing by yourself? What a weirdo. The starter almost thinks they have limitless power, controlling the flow of the entire course. And you play by their rules.
Then there's the extensive list of things he tells you on the tee: pin position, cart rules, all that little crap. Also that he gets to play for free a few days a week. What do you care? You've already forgotten everything he said when you get to the second tee box.
The Fashionista
You couldn't get your buddies to join you this weekend for a game so you're going solo. Buckle up.
The second guy in your foursome is what I call the fashionista. He saw Rickie Fowler on the range when he went to a Tour event last weekend so he dropped $400 on Puma gear at the shop. Dressed head to toe in outlandish colors. Shoes whiter than the brand new box of Pro V1's he picked up on the way to the course.
This guy has everything new. And he ain't afraid to show it all off. And he sucks at golf. "Look good, play good" is the battle cry of the fashionista. At least it'll be easy to spot that neon shirt inside the trees when he's searching for his ball.
Does he care about his game? Absolutely not. All he cares about is making sure you know he's the best dressed guy in town.
The Helper
This one. This guy right here is perhaps the worst of any of them. Before I nosedive into this rant I want to preface it.
I consider myself an above average golfer. I sit right around an 8-9 handicap. I've played with people better than me, worse than me, and equal to me. And no matter who it is, I will never, in 100 million billion trillion years (yeah that's a real number), voluntarily offer advice. Ever. If you ask, then that's a different story. But I never feel like it's my place to correct or "fix" someone.
The helper is different. The third guy in your foursome, the helper feels as though he's the police for all bad golf swings in the world. You push a shot to the right: "hey buddy (buddy is an absolute dagger btw), just try clearing your hips more and stay down on it." Oh? Was the result of my poorly struck shot not a giveaway already? Or an even better one: "try aiming more that way." It's as if this person who you met 20 minutes ago knows more about your swing that you've used your whole life than you do. And he always plays clubs way too advanced for him. And he also shares tips he saw on the Golf Channel last month.
It doesn't stop there either. The helper is the same guy that yells "bite!" when you skull a wedge 30 yards over the green, or reassures you that "it opens up over there" when you know that drive went a mile out of bounds. Just one piece of shade after another. And he's not even intending to be mean! The helper: the worst human in the world.
The Talker
Rounding out the foursome we have the talker. Here's the thing, I don't mind the talker overall. I really don't. But there's a time and place to tell me about your brother-in-law's operation last week and the golf course just isn't it. I don't know you man. I'm sorry.
The talker has a different story for every hole and half the time you tune him out. His go-to line is that he's "escaping the wife for a few hours." And you're the only audience he has for the next four hours to hear about every golf trip he's ever been on. This dude almost always has a hole-in-one to his name too, making you question why you even pick up a golf club in the first place.
I like to have a good time and be social on the course. What I don't like is to be ready to hit a shot and have the talker start comparing my golf game to someone else he played with a few weeks ago. Great man, let me hit my shot now. At heart the talker is a great guy but he's almost as unaware as the helper.
Most importantly though, the talker treats you like his golf swing therapist. He's the anti-helper. He tells you everything he's been working on in his golf swing for the past year and asks what club you hit before and after every shot.
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So there you have it, the five people you'll absolutely run into on a golf course. This isn't meant to scare you away from playing, just a courtesy heads up. If you feel like I missed any, let me know which golf course staple would make the list as well.
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