There's No Way These Five Things Actually Happened

I'm a baseball guy through and through. Absolutely love it. But I'm also somewhat of a realist and while it's awesome to hear some of the stories that shaped the game we have today, there are some that just make you stop and go "huh?" These five stories are what I feel are the five most unbelievable moments that have happened within baseball. Next to impossible, definitely improbable.

5. Mickey Mantle Hitting a 565 Foot Home Run

(AP Photo)

I mean...565 feet. Come on. That's just not humanly possible right? Look I'm not going to sit here and knock Mickey Mantle who is obviously one of the best hitters of all time. But the guy was 6 feet tall and weighed 200 soaking wet. Not to mention he was injury prone his whole career. And 565 feet is, well, 565 feet. Over a tenth of a mile.

The story says the ball went completely out of then-existent Griffith Stadium in Washington D.C., over the center field bleachers no less. Here's the thing. Could that ball have cleared 500 feet? Absolutely. Mantle was known for hitting tape measure home runs. But even with all of the perfect video game conditions you'd have to have to even consider clearing five bills on a home run, you have to tack on another 65 feet. 

If you're a baseball nerd like me here's an awesome and much more detailed investigation into the home run. (Spoiler alert: we're on the same side)

4. Ted Williams Hitting a 502 Foot Home Run

(Barry Chin/Globe Staff)

While we're talking about greatly exaggerated home runs, let's dish it over to Teddy Ballgame for the fourth spot on the list. 

Okay. Yes, I might be the biggest Red Sox fan I know. For me Ted Williams is right up there with Abe Lincoln and whoever invented the chocolate chip cookie as true American heroes. But I haven't heard one single person say they actually believe Ted hit a ball to where the red seat currently resides in the right field bleachers. I mean it's no surprise that it's considered the longest home run in Fenway Park history. No one has come (relatively) close to that seat and no one ever will.

Here's Josh Hamilton hitting the furthest ball I've ever seen to right field:

And you still have another 15 rows or so before you're near the red seat. I just can't fathom Ted (as phenomenal of a hitter as he was) putting one that far up the seats.

3. Jose Canseco Running a 40 Yard Dash in 3.9 Seconds

This might be my favorite one on the list because of just how preposterous it is. You're telling me that this guy:

ran a sub-4 40? Yeah, NOPE. Hard pass. Canseco checked in at 6'4" and 240 lbs, which is a whole lot of man to be moving at a clip faster than 10 yards a second. Bo Jackson, possibly one of the best all around athletes ever, ran an unofficial/official 4.13 40 yard dash at the 1986 NFL combine. 

Now I will say, Canseco could absolutely run. He did have a 40/40 season and a couple of near 30/30 seasons which contributed to 200 career stolen bases. He's probably one of the fastest 240 pound baseball players of all time.

But I'm going to just say it: if Bo can't go under 4, no one can. Sorry Jose.

2. Babe Ruth Calling His Shot

I'll probably get some hate for this one too but I just can't bring myself to actually believe Babe Ruth physically predicted the exact spot he would hit a home run under the circumstances. Yes I'm a Babe Ruth hater, sue me. Was he a top 2 hitter of all time? He sure was. But I just don't buy into a lot of the myths that surround him, and this is probably the peak of it all. 

Let's go to the tape:

Sure I can see why people could believe it but he's CLEARLY pointing at the dugout. Someone probably shouted something at him and he was responding. If you're Babe freaking Ruth and you're calling your shot in the World Series, you have to make it as dramatic as possible. Don't give me any of this weak, elbow bent, short arm pointing. I'm Babe Ruth and that ball is going to the moon, not 20 feet in front of the wall in left center.

If in fact he did hit the home run on the next pitch then that's pretty badass. But to say he called it? Eh, I'd pump the brakes.

1. Dock Ellis Throwing a No-Hitter While High on LSD

Let's take a quick pause to read the title again. Now one more time. LSD. L.S.D. And I'm supposed to believe Dock Ellis accomplished one of the greatest feats in the game while under the influence? 

(Getty Images)

This is so absurd and insane and wild and phenomenal and...unbelievable. I've never taken LSD in my life nor will I ever take it so I can't speak to what it feels like. But I can't imagine it's anything remotely stable. Now try taking that to a Major League mound and firing a no-no. What?

Ellis walked EIGHT batters and hit another on June 12, 1970 en route to the hitless effort, which might hold some weight in the argument for the fact that he was high. The guy clearly didn't have his stuff working and still squeaked it out. But it's still incredible to think about. Not even so much that no one got a hit, but that he had the stamina and willpower to go 9 whole innings while in that state. The dude was probably seeing the Easter Bunny behind home plate and hearing voices in his head.

Who knows if it's true? I can't help but think it was just a giant spin zone though. Like instead of saying you had a horrible outing and got lucky, you just say you're on LSD and make yourself look unbelievable.

That's all I got for this list of things that didn't happen. I did want to end on one more little story because it's one of my favorites. This may very well not have happened either but I'd like to think it did. 

(Cut 4)

Gaylord Perry, one of the best pitchers of all time, was an exceptionally bad hitter. His manager in San Francisco famously said that "a man will land on the moon before Gaylord Perry hits a home run." Well on July 20, 1969 Apollo 11 landed on the moon at 1:17 PM. That same afternoon, Gaylord Perry hit his first home run against the Dodgers.

The Five People You WILL Encounter at a Golf Course

Hi friends. It's golf SZN in case you were unaware. Hopefully the golf gods have been great to you so far. This is something I've been sitting on for awhile and I finally decided to let it out. I love playing golf but after playing so many rounds, the lineup of individuals you meet on a course becomes like clockwork. Foolproof. Here's a closer look at the five people you are absolutely certain to cross paths with during your Saturday morning 18:

The Pro Shop Guy

Take it from me, a good or bad pro shop experience can set the tone for the rest of your round (and even your day). He's either an awesome dude or he's an asshole. No in between. Sometimes it's the club pro, sometimes it's the owner. You never really know who you're going to get.

The pro shop guy is the gatekeeper. The guy on the front lines you have to get through before you're off and running. He's behind the desk, across from a very small and very overpriced selection of golf clubs and off brand apparel. And the first thing you hear when you enter the shop: "do you have a tee time?"

Now there's one of two things that happens when you answer this question. If the answer is yes, the guy will then tell you they're running about a half hour behind and "there's really nothing we can do." But if your answer is no....oh sweet Jesus if your answer is no....you might as well be thrown in jail. No tee time? Are you freaking kidding me man? How could you be so stupid? Haven't you golfed on the weekend ever in your entire life? He then tells you he can't get you out for another 5 hours. At that point you just pack it up and go home because the pro shop guy ripped any desire you had to play golf that day right out of your system. Please try again. 

Or he could be a great guy and fit you into a time slot. Like I said though, absolute crap shoot.

The Starter

Okay you've made it out of the pro shop and you're walking/riding toward the first tee. Next man up: the starter. 

Always wearing a red shirt. Just lounging in his special golf hut or cart with a silly looking "STARTER" flag attached to it. Half the time he's nowhere near the tee either. You have to wait around for him to show up or you're going on an adventure to find him. 

You track him down and give him the receipt. He proceeds to passive aggressively judge you. Oh you guys have a foursome? Don't you dare fall behind. Oh you're playing by yourself? What a weirdo. The starter almost thinks they have limitless power, controlling the flow of the entire course. And you play by their rules. 

Then there's the extensive list of things he tells you on the tee: pin position, cart rules, all that little crap. Also that he gets to play for free a few days a week. What do you care? You've already forgotten everything he said when you get to the second tee box.

The Fashionista

You couldn't get your buddies to join you this weekend for a game so you're going solo. Buckle up.

The second guy in your foursome is what I call the fashionista. He saw Rickie Fowler on the range when he went to a Tour event last weekend so he dropped $400 on Puma gear at the shop. Dressed head to toe in outlandish colors. Shoes whiter than the brand new box of Pro V1's he picked up on the way to the course.

This guy has everything new. And he ain't afraid to show it all off. And he sucks at golf. "Look good, play good" is the battle cry of the fashionista. At least it'll be easy to spot that neon shirt inside the trees when he's searching for his ball. 

Does he care about his game? Absolutely not. All he cares about is making sure you know he's the best dressed guy in town. 

The Helper

This one. This guy right here is perhaps the worst of any of them. Before I nosedive into this rant I want to preface it.

I consider myself an above average golfer. I sit right around an 8-9 handicap. I've played with people better than me, worse than me, and equal to me. And no matter who it is, I will never, in 100 million billion trillion years (yeah that's a real number), voluntarily offer advice. Ever. If you ask, then that's a different story. But I never feel like it's my place to correct or "fix" someone. 

The helper is different. The third guy in your foursome, the helper feels as though he's the police for all bad golf swings in the world. You push a shot to the right: "hey buddy (buddy is an absolute dagger btw), just try clearing your hips more and stay down on it." Oh? Was the result of my poorly struck shot not a giveaway already? Or an even better one: "try aiming more that way." It's as if this person who you met 20 minutes ago knows more about your swing that you've used your whole life than you do. And he always plays clubs way too advanced for him. And he also shares tips he saw on the Golf Channel last month.

It doesn't stop there either. The helper is the same guy that yells "bite!" when you skull a wedge 30 yards over the green, or reassures you that "it opens up over there" when you know that drive went a mile out of bounds. Just one piece of shade after another. And he's not even intending to be mean! The helper: the worst human in the world.

The Talker

Rounding out the foursome we have the talker. Here's the thing, I don't mind the talker overall. I really don't. But there's a time and place to tell me about your brother-in-law's operation last week and the golf course just isn't it. I don't know you man. I'm sorry.

The talker has a different story for every hole and half the time you tune him out. His go-to line is that he's "escaping the wife for a few hours." And you're the only audience he has for the next four hours to hear about every golf trip he's ever been on. This dude almost always has a hole-in-one to his name too, making you question why you even pick up a golf club in the first place.

I like to have a good time and be social on the course. What I don't like is to be ready to hit a shot and have the talker start comparing my golf game to someone else he played with a few weeks ago. Great man, let me hit my shot now. At heart the talker is a great guy but he's almost as unaware as the helper.

Most importantly though, the talker treats you like his golf swing therapist. He's the anti-helper. He tells you everything he's been working on in his golf swing for the past year and asks what club you hit before and after every shot. 

__________________________

So there you have it, the five people you'll absolutely run into on a golf course. This isn't meant to scare you away from playing, just a courtesy heads up. If you feel like I missed any, let me know which golf course staple would make the list as well.

Top Five MLB Moments People Absolutely Forget About

We're back. Oh baby we're back. I don't know for how long but dammit we are BACK.

This idea came to me last week and I couldn't wait to put it out there. To be fair and current, I'm keeping this list to the past 25 years. There are tons of great moments in the history of baseball that are replayed over and over on MLB Network at 2am every night. Those moments I will not discuss. No, what we're going for here are my five favorite things that happened over the last quarter century that I bet (legal now, nbd) only a handful of people know about. Here we go:

5. Nick Punto Hits a 444 Foot Home Run (2012)

Nick Punto. Career journeyman. A lot of people may forget he played on the Red Sox in 2012. He didn't really do much to wow you. Played solid defense, put the bat on the ball. Nothing special. Well that is until one night in Toronto when out of nowhere:

Over 14 years in the league, Nick Punto had 19 career home runs. 19. And it just so happened that one of them went to the freakin moon. Unreal. This was one of those moments I remember seeing live and thinking how the hell did that actually happen. Nick Punto, destroyer of (19) baseballs.

4. Tony Gwynn Flirts With .400 (1994)

The 1994 MLB season is always fascinating to me. It's without a doubt one of the biggest "what if"s in baseball history. The Expos (RIP) were playing out of their minds, well on their way to a possible World Series title (I argue this is one of the greatest teams of all time). A huge player strike cut the season short. But most importantly, Tony Gwynn was robbed of a chance to be the first .400 hitter since Teddy Ballgame.

(Getty Images)

He's one of the best hitters to ever dig into a Major League batter's box, and when the season ended on August 11, 1994, he was hitting .394. This was a full time player. Not a bench player who played in 6 games and went 5 for 11. Gwynn raked, plain and simple. .400 is impossible to achieve and somehow it almost happened. Incredible stuff.

3. Michael Jordan Suits Up at Wrigley Field (1994)

We'll stay in 1994 for this next one. Michael Jordan, the man many refer to as the GOAT (I'm not here to start that up, it's not my forte). Jordan was arguably in the prime of his career when he decided to leave basketball in pursuit of a professional baseball career. A lot of people questioned it, but honestly hats off to him for going after it. He never made it to the bigs, but he did have a solid minor league career in the White Sox system. 

In April 1994 the White Sox and Cubs played an exhibition game at Wrigley Field, and of course MJ did this:

Such a cool moment. What an athlete.

2. Brady Anderson Hits 50 Home Runs (1996)

Brady Anderson doesn't get enough love when it comes to talking baseball. This is one of the most insane stories to come out of the league over the last few decades. Anderson made his debut in 1988 and did practically nothing in his first few years. From 1988 to 1991, he hit 11 total home runs. Brutal. Then he started to get it going in 1992, where he would hit 21, 12, 13, and 16 home runs in his next 4 season. But in 1996, Brady Anderson put up a 50 piece out of nowhere. Out of NOWHERE. Huh? This man was good for 12-16 a year, and he slips in a cool 50 like its nothing.

(Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Though he never tested positive, PEDs were absolutely in play here. There's just no other explanation. No one flips the switch like that. The Steroid Era, what a beautiful crazy ridiculous time.

1. Jim Abbott Throws a No Hitter With One Hand (1993)

Serious question, does anybody outside of the baseball world even know this happened? I'm dead serious. Can you imagine if this happened when Twitter was a thing? This would be the story of the year. ONE HAND. Pitchers can't even throw a no-no with two hands. It's absolutely absurd the way he holds his glove during his wind up. I'd be so scared. Not Jim though. Incredible stuff.

There ya have it folks! It's been a long time but I'm glad to be back in the game. Hopefully more to come?